


hold me now, warm my heart, stay with me

by jperalta



Category: Babylon Berlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Blow Jobs, Rape Aftermath, Sexual Assault, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:28:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25829683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Insp. S3E4 where Graf is sexually assaulted by the archive attendant. Deals with the immediate aftermath of that, as well as Gereon comforting him later on. Also a hint of Graf pining for Gereon but doing nothing about it.
Relationships: Gereon Rath & Reinhold Gräf
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	hold me now, warm my heart, stay with me

The archive attendant is not gentle - he is everything but. He holds the metal rod against Graf’s cheek, his neck, anywhere to remind Graf that if he stops prematurely, he’ll get hit again which, apart from the thing currently happening, is the last thing he wants. He can already feel the bruises forming on his arms. It’s been a long time since he’d had his mouth wrapped around an abusive stranger’s dick, but as soon as it’s there all the memories flood every part of his mind and he cries more. The man grips Graf’s hair in his free hand, uses it to pull Graf forward and backward as he pleases. Graf tries desperately to convince himself he’s asleep, that this is a nightmare or a flashback and that it isn’t happening now, not when he’s supposed to be free from that life. But the pulsing member in his mouth is too intense to avoid. He gags and chokes but the man doesn’t let up, doesn’t seem to care at all that he’s nearly suffocating Graf. He hates himself again, just like he did back then, just like he has on and off ever since he’d made his so-called escape. When he has enough brain power to think for a second or two, he uses it to try to do whatever he can to make this over faster, yet it still seems to go on for far too long.

The man finally comes in Graf’s mouth so quickly and forcefully that Graf doesn’t get to decide to spit or swallow before it’s spilling down the back of his throat. The man throws Graf’s head back like a bowling ball filled with so much weight that his body falls to the ground with it. Then he smirks, zips up his pants and walks back to his desk, not saying another word.

After a moment of sobbing on the ground, unable to process anything that just happened, Graf finally sits up. He struggles to gather his belongings because of how much his hands are shaking, how much his entire body is shaking. It’s not that he doesn’t bother to put the files back - it’s that he isn’t even thinking about it. He’s hardly thinking about anything right now except for the churning sensation in his stomach.

As he leaves the room, he can hear a faint mumbling, something the attendant says to him that he doesn’t pay attention to. Then he crashes through the door to the nearest restroom, practically throws his stuff on the floor before sinking to his knees and vomiting once, twice, into the toilet. More tears are pushed from his eyes as he grips the dirty bowl, waiting to see if there will be a third time, before he uses the thin toilet paper to wipe off his face. He tries to steady his hands, tries to stop crying, leans against the wall to keep himself upright. His vision is blurring but when he closes his eyes all he can see is that  _ man _ smiling down at him. So his face tightens, his eyes keep watering, and he pushes his face into his knees.

***

Now he’s back at home. Gereon is there, and he’s like an angel compared to everyone else from today. All Graf tells Gereon about the attendant is that he made it hard to get as many pictures as he wanted - leaves out the metal rod, leaves out the... well, most of it. Gereon is sweet, kind, tells Graf he didn’t deserve to get yelled at in front of everyone today, says he’s doing great work.

“These are great, Graf. Good job,” Gereon says, not raising his head an inch to see the tears come back to Graf’s eyes. He never was that good at taking compliments, and he tries to hide his emotion, but he sniffles too loudly and is hardly able to wipe his face before he and Gereon lock eyes. “What’s going on?” Gereon asks immediately, putting the pictures down.

Graf wants to smack himself again, wants to call himself a moron in front of the mirror, but instead he just clenches a fist behind his back. “Nothing just…” another few stupid tears he has to wipe away “...it just means a lot that you say that.”

Gereon reaches a hand towards Graf, gently squeezes his upper arm, but it’s right where he had been struck earlier so he can’t help but to wince and flinch away. Gereon’s brows are pulled closer together as he withdraws the hand before noticing a bruise close to Graf’s neck, only partially covered by his shirt. Graf’s eyes are half-closed, looking down at his shoes, as he tries for the hundredth time that evening to steady his breath. 

Gereon places a few fingers tenderly on Graf’s neck near the bruise, walks a few inches closer. “That guy in the archives, he didn’t just scold you, did he,” he says, already knowing the answer. Graf remains silent, the taste of the other man’s semen still in his mouth despite cleaning it multiple times, once so harshly his gums bled for several minutes afterwards. “He hit you…” Gereon’s soft voice soars around him and a part of Graf wants to lean towards him, connect their bodies, but he doesn’t. He just keeps wincing, he can’t help it anymore. “What… else did he do?” 

Graf could say nothing, lie, shut this whole scene down, but he doesn’t entirely want to. He wants Gereon to know, wants to tell him the truth, to confide in him like the true friend he is, yet he still feels so stupidly ashamed. He opens his mouth, looks into Gereon’s eyes again, then has to look away, ridiculous tears on his cheeks again.

“Hey…” Gereon reaches up, puts his palm on Graf’s cheek, pushes some tears away with his thumb. Graf leans into it more, longs to hold him tighter than he’s ever held anyone before. Gereon cups Graf’s cheek in his palm, and Graf contrasts this moment with the one from earlier, wonders how two events so incredibly different could have happened only a few hours apart.

Graf reaches up to Gereon’s hand on his cheek, holds his hand in his own, tries to piece together what he wants to say before only coming out with, “he made me do something I haven’t been made to do in a long time.” It was vague but he knew from the concern and anger on Gereon’s face that he understood.

Gereon steps closer, leans towards Graf’s neck and quietly places his lips on the bruise. The gentle act of kindness is enough to send a flutter of happiness and love through Graf’s body. “You don’t deserve that,” Gereon whispers, wrapping his arms around Graf’s body. “You deserve love, you deserve to be happy.” Graf’s crying heavily again, silently but quickly as he leans into his friend’s body. “You’re a great photographer,” Gereon continues, “a great friend, a great person, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Their bodies are entwined now, hands in each other’s hair, Gereon lightly scratching Graf’s head with his hand, and Graf lets out a heavy sigh, breathes in the smell of Gereon in front of him. They stand together like that for a while, Gereon’s thumb grazing against Graf’s shoulder blade, and he feels safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Also partly inspired by the fact that at the end of the episode when Graf was saying he has a crush on someone who doesn't know I thought/hoped/wanted him to be talking about Gereon
> 
> Title: Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins (a jam)


End file.
